My Story

For as long as I remember, I’ve had a perfectionism complex. It may sound amusing, like I should insert a funny meme about Virgo’s driving themselves crazy, but in reality there was nothing humorous about it.

I desired to perfect everything in my life, from my body and career to my relationships. And I not only wanted to please everyone, I wanted to exceed their expectations. 

I had a genuine interest in health and a curiosity about how to feel well in my body, so I began my first wellness cleanse when I was 12. It involved a plant based diet combined and healing modalities like hot cold hydrotherapy showers.

This was my first experience with seeing how food and lifestyle could positively influence my health, but it was also my first experience feeling obsessive about wellness. I felt extreme anxiety around adhering to each aspect of the cleanse, and believed that to do otherwise would be failure. There was no concept of gray areas, it was win or fail.

As an adult these patterns continued and I fell into habits of orthorexia, calorie restriction and exercise addiction. I lived and breathed “wellness,” and my life consisted of green juices, superfoods, adaptogens, yoga, spin classes, intermittent fasting, dry brushing, a “clean” vegan diet, etc.

It was destructive behavior that on the outside looked absolutely admirable.

Ultimately perfectionism is an attempt at finding acceptance, praise and love. Something we are crave on a primal level. And oh how the praise of my “healthy" lifestyle satisfied that, but I was secretly deeply unwell. Emotionally and physically. 

No one saw what was really going on, and at the time I didn’t either. I had recovered from my days of textbook eating disorders, deciding that enough was enough, and I would “just eat healthy and exercise like a normal person.”

So wasn’t I just doing what everyone strives for? Eating healthy and exercising? But disordered mentality still existed and perfectionism was at the root of it. The behaviors were different but I couldn’t break from the intentions of manipulating my body. My self worth was still dependent on the shape of body.

I began developing one symptom after another. I stopped getting my period. I was having intense hot flashes and night sweats. My memory loss was so intense it was hard to run my business. My workouts were becoming increasingly difficult to complete. I started developing one injury after another and my immune system was weak. My skin started breaking out despite my vegan, mostly raw diet. And it became impossible to maintain my weight without increasing the intensity of my workouts and further restricting food which is a dangerous and vicious cycle.

Eventually I came to the realization that my obsession with wellness was making me deeply unwell.

I couldn’t ignore the signs anymore, and so I healed — this time, for real. I go into detail about overcoming eating disorders in my post here.

But life as you know it, wasn’t done teaching me lessons. 

Shortly after overcoming orthorexia and exercise bulimia, my life shifted to include a whole new set of stressors. I was trying to run a business that had tripled in size almost overnight, while going back to school for nutrition, plus a fair amount of emotional trauma. Meanwhile, my perfectionism prevailed and had me sacrificing my physical and mental health to be the best everything - interior designer, student, friend, wife, daughter.. 

With a society that glorifies the hustle, and my desire to exceed all expectations, I had the recipe for burnout. I pushed though the discomforts in my body and I felt that if I were to take a step back, I would be failing in one area or another.  Everything on my plate felt too important but here is the thing -

We can only hold an overflowing plate for so long. If we refuse to take anything off, we’re eventually going to drop the whole damn plate. And thats what happened to me.

I had developed more than half a dozen health challenges, all of which were rooted in stress:

  • •Hypothyroidism

  • •SIBO (Small Intestinal Bacterial Overgrowth)

  • •Hypocortisolima (low cortisol)

  • •Anemia

  • •Low blood pressure

  • •Insulin resistance / pre-diabetes

  • •Impaired detoxification system

  • •Extremely low glutathione (the body's main antioxidant)

  • •Many micronutrient deficiencies

I had essential moved from burnout to breakdown, or technically put, I had HPA Axis Dysfunction and all of the relating conditions. I go into detail on this issue in my post “What Adrenal Fatigue Really Is.” 

Receiving the diagnoses was overwhelming, but it also felt like I was finally allowed to put myself first. My body was clinically unwell, it wasn’t a matter of pushing though or being stronger. 


MINI PARAGRAPH ABOUT HOW I HEALED.


Now on the other side of it, I am a completely different person than I was before I became unwell. I not only understand the body on an entirely different level and how to support it with nutrition and lifestyle, but the personal growth was insurmountable. 


My body will never again need to shout to get my attention.